Hey beautiful
Can you see me now? 
Did I turn out the way you wanted?

Those days. Feeling so overwhelming, all the while so easy. 
The days sitting alone. Staring at the Bratz doll deciding which hairstyle to do. The silly bands on your wrist. 
Listening to Usher on repeat in the CD Player. 
The high school musical blanket on your twin sized mattress. Your TV fuzzy because the antenna lost signal. 

Your days are free of responsibility. Free of adult worries. 
Are they free of pain? No. Are they free of stress? No. 
But they are effortless. I know it seems like those are the days that it's easy to bounce back or place bad feelings on the back burner. Don't. Say every feeling you have. Say that shit loud and proud and make people feel it. Do not let them hide you like I did. 

All you want is to be happy. You want to be full of love. A house that is a home. A family. You're so numb. A beautiful little girl hoping and praying that when you have kids you will birth a son first to help protect your daughter from the things you're going through. 

I'll be honest with you. I let you down. 
I changed for other people. For that, I am sorry. 
We didn't have the life we always dreamed, but the life we did have I am so blessed for. I am blessed that I get to watch my daughters live a life we never experienced. Blessed that they won't know the things we had to. 

You sweet, beautiful girl, you deserve so much. You deserve the love that you crave. That love that you are exposed to now is not true. The lies that you hear those men say to mommy are exactly that. Lies. One day you'll learn that even sweet words have the power to hurt. Real daddies don't desert you baby girl. I know ours did. I know you sit up at night with tears swelling up in your eyes wondering if you are to blame, but It's absolutely not your fault. Anyone that neglects you is meant to. That's their loss. I know you feel like everyone in your life leaves, and that may be true. But it's not on you. You are so strong for being able to handle that. You are astonishing. Anyone that doesn't see that doesn't deserve you. The friends, and the family that don't show up, are meant to stay wherever they are. One day people will come back when they need something, begging to be let in. Hold your ground Babygirl. You've made it this far without them. You'll know which people are truly there for you. Hold them close when you do. 

Everyone right now tells you that you are ignorant. They tell you that you ask too many questions. You're too loud. You're too much. You're too mean. You're not. Ask every fucking question. Be too much, be loud, be so much more. Be mean as hell if it means you get to protect your peace. Say No. No No No. Say it as many times as you need to. I don't care how much of a show is put on, other people's feelings are not your responsibility. You put yourself first. 

One day you'll learn about love and the power a heart holds. There will be heartbreak, but don't let that define you. I want you to love hard, pour your whole heart out in everything you do. Love yourself first and others second. Not every love you think you find will last, but every love will teach you a lesson. Listen and learn. 

If I would have kept your energy, then maybe some things would have been different. Speak up & out any chance you get. Yell that shit from the mountaintops. Show them your strength, don't hide it. We need that. 

Everything that they tell you is wrong with you is EXACTLY why we are still here. You made it to adulthood beautiful. That's one of the biggest accomplishments there is. One day you'll see that not everyone can make it here. We are so, so strong. We are a role model. We have beautiful kids. We are going to teach them the same things;

Do not try to be like mommy, be better than me.
Be mean, be loud, be unapologetic. 
Speak up, ask whatever questions you need to.
Say no, hold onto your boundaries. 
Be yourself, there will be people that love you for that. 

I promise they will know better than what we had. 

I think about you often. I think about the pain you felt. The times when you needed someone and no one was there. I always was. We had each other and that had to be good enough. 
I hope it was. 
I see you beautiful baby girl. I hear you. 
I am you, and I hope you're proud. 

/